July the Fourth be with you…
Hi. Right now it’s nuclear fucking hot in Georgia. Tomorrow for Independence Day I’ll be staying inside, drinking homemade wine, and watching Paul Giamatti pretend to be a dead guy. It’s gonna be great. I’m also working on a SPECIAL BOOK SPECTACULAR! Very soon you’ll be able to get a signed/personalized copy A Town Called Suckhole along with a shitload of awesome extra signed/personalized stuff from me directly. If you haven’t bought a copy, and maybe you’ve always thought about it but never quite pulled the trigger, this might be the most exciting thing you could do in 2012 besides expressing your bottomless American outrage via voting.
Speaking of America, it’s her birthday tomorrow. I wanted to post an America-Fuck-Yeah kinda video or picture or something, but that seemed lame. So instead, in order to celebrate America in the weirdest way possible, close your eyes and imagine the movie Independence Day. Imagine that brave fighter pilot Will Smith is wearing a fat suit and a dress, and the aliens are not just aliens but also parachuting, cigar-smoking Communists, like the sort you’d find in Red Dawn… except this is ID4. Now, imagine the President, played by that white dude, is actually a robot (but a good one, like Data). Jeff Goldblum gets infected with alien Commie chemicals and morphs into a handsome musclebound hulk who still acts like an awkward Jew, which is hilarious. He smashes aliens with his fists instead of a computer virus. Vivica A Fox actually gets naked, but so does Randy Quaid. Harry Connick Jr. dies and comes back as a ghost, the way Goose should’ve done in Top Gun… except this is ID4. The Vice President sells his soul to the Devil to fight the alien Commies but gets demon-raped for his efforts. Lizard people show up. Fighter jets made out of zombie sharks. Cute little black kid develops telepathic powers. In the end Fat Suit Will Smith shows up in a Wonder Woman outfit to save the day.
Imagine all of that. Good job. Now watch that movie, America. You know you want to.