I have a new short story in the world today. It’s called The Herd Party and you can read it over at Verbicide Magazine. I’m very honored to be featured in Verbicide and want to thank them for publishing a story that I worked very hard on. It’s sort of like Animal Farm, but instead of communism it’s about birthday clowns and cannibalism. Also, if you ask me George Orwell should’ve named his evil pig Napigleon. That’s the only thing that could make Animal Farm funnier.
Archive for the Uncategorized Category
Gabino Iglesias is one of the most well-read people on the planet. The sheer number of books he reads (not to mention reviews) makes me feel like I watch too much fucking TV. Luckily he’s one of the good guys. Gabino reviewed my last book in The Austin Post, and now he’s reviewed Thunderpussy at ManArchy Magazine. I truly can’t think of a better place for Thunderpussy to shine, as ManArchy is a haven for pulpy neo-noir fiction with a masculine bent. Declan Magpie Bruce is nothing if not masculine, and I’m thrilled that his transcredible exploits have been reviewed there. Click here to read all about it.
Surreal Grotesque has just released their latest issue, which is ENTIRELY BIZARRO! There is a ton of weird book reviews, strange artwork, and short stories by the likes of: D. Harlan Wilson, Bruce Taylor, Justin Grimbol, Garrett Cook, Tony Rauch, G Arthur Brown, ST Cartledge, JW Wargo, Michael Allen Rose, William Pauley III, and a ton of others. Also included is a story by me, called “Steve in the Thanoverse.”
Head to Surreal Grotesque to read it all!
Ah, summer. To me, it’s the best time of year to read. It’s nuclear fucking hot outside. Resources run low. Gasoline becomes currency and wild gangs lurk in the wasteland. It’s a magical time meant for holing up in your hovel and diving into a few good books. Let me suggest a few:
YOU ARE SLOTH: This is my personal favorite of the list, from my close personal archenemy Steve Lowe. Lowe’s as sick and gory as any horror writer but also possesses a smart sense of humor. I have a feeling that this book will go crazy this summer.
JAPAN CONQUERS THE GALAXY: Kirsten Alene writes awesome Terry Gilliam-style books, like mixing dinosaurs with Franciscan monks or unicorns with Munchhausen militarism. Now it’s the entire culture of Japan in space. If you like big epic bizarro told by a very nice crazy lady, you should read this.
IN HEAVEN, EVERYTHING IS FINE: FICTION INSPIRED BY DAVID LYNCH: Last year Cameron Pierce put together “The Best Bizarro Fiction of the Decade,” and if that wasn’t big enough, this year he managed to orchestrate this gigantic motherfucker. It’s another solid collection of weird fiction, written by a murderer’s row of authors both new and established. It’s all inspired by the works of David Lynch, it’s for an excellent price, and it’s so huge you could build a house with just seven.
QUICKSAND HOUSE: Carlton Mellick III has designated summertime for his larger epic novels. The guy cranks out fantastic books so fast that it’s sort of nerve-wracking to comprehend. My brain would shit its pants if I wrote, edited, and released four books a year. CM3′s books are always awesome, and this one will be no different.
Sooooo… get to Amazon.com and buy at least one of these. Read, for the sake of all that is holy!
It is my pleasure today to announce Farnsworthian GOOD NEWS! My latest book, Thunderpussy, was received and reviewed at the mecca of geeks, Ain’t-It-Cool-News. Now I feel like this
For the penultimate volume of Spies Like We, I present the greatest deathmatch of all time: Declan Bruce vs. Brock Samson. If you’ve read Thunderpussy, you know all about Agent 00X, but Brock Samson is one of the most legendary and killingest secret agents that ever lived. He possesses a rare license to kill, and gleefully uses it against enemy agents and villainous henchmen by the truckload. He’s even killed Adolph Hitler with a magic dagger and held Edgar Allen Poe in a headlock… but what happens when the Golden Fleece that is Brock Samson’s mullet clashes against the deadly curls of Declan Bruce’s mustache?
BIOGRAPHY: Brock Samson is a quarter Swedish, a quarter Polish, and half Winnebago. Even in childhood Samson displayed a natural talent for both violence and promiscuity. He studied football at State University before joining the military and advancing into the super-secret O.S.I. organization. There he was trained by the brilliant psycho-spy Colonel Hunter Gathers. Brock was later assigned to a degrading-yet-crucial mission called Operation Rusty’s Blanket, where he looked after the current generation of super-scientist Ventures. At a later point, on a bloody battlefield covered in wriggling dead clones, Samson quit the assignment and moved onto the elite espionage outfit known as SPHINX. At no point during this time was Brock Samson’s masculinity ever seriously threatened.
TACTICS: While possessing a license to kill and expertise in the deadly art of blood judo, Brock Samson disdains firearms. He is a capable marksman, but prefers to kill his enemies by almost any other means, mainly by using his hunting knife, his bare hands, or his’69 Dodge Charger. “Death by Samson” is a well-known and respectable end for most henchmen. Samson possesses no genetic or bionic upgrades (besides a steel chest plate he received while having a robot removed from his sternum), but possesses a nearly supernatural intuition for killing. He is capable of rigging booby traps for his enemies, orchestrating complex battle plans, and can sense whenever anyone has tampered with his car. Brock refuses to kill women or children, but has gone toe-to-toe with polar bears, crocodiles, mummies, robots, and chupacabras without hesitation.
STYLE: Brock Samson has an ever evolving style, though a love for Led Zeppelin remains throughout. Brock’s car, named Adrienne, holds a special place in his heart. Even after brutally dismantling her (after the car was secretly reprogrammed to eliminate him), Brock struggled through the betrayal and painstakingly rebuilt her. Samson can be found in all manner of clothing, usually dressing in 70’s garb unless wearing that 90’s hoodie from the episode “Perchance to Dean.” Samson’s hair comes and goes depending on the brutality of his last fight, but much like Samson himself, the hair always comes back. He even manages to look good wearing nothing but blood and a censor bar.
COULD DECLAN BRUCE KICK HIS ARSE?: No. That’s right. I worked hard creating a badass superspy character and I’m freely admitting that Brock Samson, even as an old man in the futuristic world Declan Bruce lives in… would kick his arse. Please don’t tell.
No, not the rapper/producer. The REAL Danger Mouse, which is actually a cartoon. He’s the British rodent who’s way cooler than Mickey because he’s not a corporate shill, he speaks in a dignified accent, and he’s a freaking SPY. DM is a tenth the size of Declan Bruce, but can Ze State’s greatest spy outwit a secret agent so dangerous it’s in his very name?
BIOGRAPHY: More deadly than Basil of Baker Street and less gamey than Secret Squirrel, Danger Mouse is such a great secret agent that his codename has its own codename. While James Bond might save the human world time and time again, Danger Mouse diffuses the world’s rodent-sized threats, such as a criminal toad, a vampire duck (who got his own spinoff), and a wolf mad scientist. He takes his orders from a psycho chinchilla called Special K, and has his gadgets made by a German mole (who is a scientist mole, not an actual mole… and since he’s German, he’s a bit of a dick).
TACTICS: Danger Mouse’s foremost weapon against evildoers like Baron Greenback is his loyal assistant Penfold. If Sherlock Holmes’ sidekick was a cowardly, confused, clumsy hamster, he would be Penfold. He serves as a loyal friend to Danger Mouse despite often getting in the way or being completely oblivious to the nature of their mission. Besides Penfold, Danger Mouse is equipped with a flying car, a space pod, and mastery of the secret martial art of “kung moggy.” He is also equipped with an ability to constantly attract bombs no matter where he goes.
STYLE: In the grand tradition of anthropomorphic cartoon characters, Danger Mouse is mostly naked. He wears a white turtleneck with his logo on the chest as well as an eyepatch, one of the hallmarks of a great spy. He also practices yoga, which means he’s likely a fantastic lover. It is widely believed that Danger Mouse gets more rodent sex (both in quality and quantity) than Mickey Mouse, the Rescue Rangers, or Alvin and the Chipmunks put together. No one can resist the allure of a fuzzy cartoon mouse/spy, and this spy is an international television icon. What’s Declan Bruce have? A robotic suit, epic mustache, and a pocket in his pants specifically to house his genitalia.
COULD DECLAN BRUCE KICK HIS ARSE? Jesus, Danger Mouse is a bloody cartoon! He’s a tenth of his size, isn’t he? Of course Declan Bruce kicks his arse! Probably just stomps on him! A cartoon mouse defeating a fictional bizarro character… what sort of madness do you think this is?
No, not those Avengers, but you’re probably a kindly comic fan who found this page because of the confusion. Gotcha, I guess. No, we talk about spies in these here parts, and the Avengers are a pair of spies that could merc Nick Fury even if he had both eyes. I’m talking about John Steed and Emma Peel, stars of the British radio and TV series The Avengers. They even spawned a weird 90′s movie where Sean Connery was the villain and he made everyone dress like teddy bears. So let’s see how the sixties’ bantering duo of sexual innuendo stack up against Declan Bruce, bizarro agent of Ze State. Two against one!
BIOGRAPHY: John Steed begins his career as a moody trenchcoat-wearing spook, then evolves into perhaps the most dapper spy ever, even by British standards. He makes Bond seem like a brutish bully (the two characters fueded in boarding school), but is just as deadly. Ralph Fiennes played him in the film, opposite The Bride herself as Emma Peel. Peel was like if Catwoman had class, or if any of the Bond women had critical thinking skills. She’s both sex symbol in the spy genre and a feminist icon of the time. She and Steed were constantly flirting but Peel never gave in to his gentlemanly charm, since she was a widow. Not only was she a strong character, but she got all the same hero worship as the men in the spy world. Emma Peel was a scientific genius, martial arts expert, master of disguise, and saved the day just as often as Steed. And remember the old lady on Game of Thrones? Before she was Olenna Tyrell, she was Emma Peel…
TACTICS: If Declan Bruce can get past Emma Peel without rogering himself to death (a dubious effort), he’d have to deal with John Steed. Much like 00X, Steed has other methods of combat besides firearms, and because of their simple genius, they’re the best gadgets in the spy genre. Steed carries a bulletproof bowler hat and an umbrella which becomes a sword. He fights with grace and intelligence, and isn’t given to the tantrums. Their both British, but Bruce isn’t the gentleman that John Steed is.
STYLE: John Steed was like a British Don Draper. He wore a suit like it was his God-given skin, and always knew exactly what to say The ladies stood no chance, and still he was a gentleman. Diana Rigg as Emma Peel did as much as Julie Newmar as Catwoman to make the black catsuit a pop culture icon. Declan Bruce wears a robotic suit and has the style sense of 3-year-old Andy Warhol. The Avengers dominate this category with ease, so…
COULD 00X KICK THEIR ARSES?: I really wanted to get those bears in so you could see the insanity of The Avengers, because yes, Declan Bruce kicks their arses. Even two-on-one, even with a sexy lady to distract him, Declan Bruce chews through John Steeds bowler with his bare teeth, then finds August de Wynter, played by Sean Connery, and strangles him to death with his own bear costume, then takes a bunch of bear costumes for himself to wear while undercover in North Korea. The only wildcard is Emma Peel, in which case Declan Bruce would travel through realities to Westeros to roger Diana Rigg as an old lady (not that I’d turn down elderly Emma Peel for a second), causing her past self to catch on fire from the cross-dimensional napalm that is called British Lovemaking.
I did an interview for Dangerous Dan’s Book Blog, and I talk about writing, reading, and the possibility of Thunderpussy and A Town Called Suckhole existing in the same universe. I also sound fantastically intelligent.
Head over to Dangerous Dan’s to read it, and a huge thanks to Mr. Dan as well. Check his blog for a tons more reviews of awesome books.
Whenever one of my books gets reviewed, I feel like this.
Today I feel it double. As you can see it’s a wonderful and titanic emotion. The reason is today’s review of Thunderpussy at Dangerous Dan’s Book Blog. And as an added bonus, Dan reviewed A Town Called Suckhole as well. Huge thanks to him. And to you, read the shit out of my books for yourself. You’ll be pleased that you did so.