Spies Like We, vol. 5: Penfold Shush

No, not the rapper/producer. The REAL Danger Mouse, which is actually a cartoon. He’s the British rodent who’s way cooler than Mickey because he’s not a corporate shill, he speaks in a dignified accent, and he’s a freaking SPY. DM is a tenth the size of Declan Bruce, but can Ze State’s greatest spy outwit a secret agent so dangerous it’s in his very name?

BIOGRAPHY: More deadly than Basil of Baker Street and less gamey than Secret Squirrel, Danger Mouse is such a great secret agent that his codename has its own codename. While James Bond might save the human world time and time again, Danger Mouse diffuses the world’s rodent-sized threats, such as a criminal toad, a vampire duck (who got his own spinoff), and a wolf mad scientist. He takes his orders from a psycho chinchilla called Special K, and has his gadgets made by a German mole (who is a scientist mole, not an actual mole… and since he’s German, he’s a bit of a dick).

TACTICS: Danger Mouse’s foremost weapon against evildoers like Baron Greenback is his loyal assistant Penfold. If Sherlock Holmes’ sidekick was a cowardly, confused, clumsy hamster, he would be Penfold. He serves as a loyal friend to Danger Mouse despite often getting in the way or being completely oblivious to the nature of their mission. Besides Penfold, Danger Mouse is equipped with a flying car, a space pod, and mastery of the secret martial art of “kung moggy.” He is also equipped with an ability to constantly attract bombs no matter where he goes.

STYLE: In the grand tradition of anthropomorphic cartoon characters, Danger Mouse is mostly naked. He wears a white turtleneck with his logo on the chest as well as an eyepatch, one of the hallmarks of a great spy. He also practices yoga, which means he’s likely a fantastic lover. It is widely believed that Danger Mouse gets more rodent sex (both in quality and quantity) than Mickey Mouse, the Rescue Rangers, or Alvin and the Chipmunks put together. No one can resist the allure of a fuzzy cartoon mouse/spy, and this spy is an international television icon. What’s Declan Bruce have? A robotic suit, epic mustache, and a pocket in his pants specifically to house his genitalia.

COULD DECLAN BRUCE KICK HIS ARSE? Jesus, Danger Mouse is a bloody cartoon! He’s a tenth of his size, isn’t he? Of course Declan Bruce kicks his arse! Probably just stomps on him! A cartoon mouse defeating a fictional bizarro character… what sort of madness do you think this is?

SPIES LIKE WE: vol. 4: Avengers Assemble

No, not those Avengers, but you’re probably a kindly comic fan who found this page because of the confusion. Gotcha, I guess. No, we talk about spies in these here parts, and the Avengers are a pair of spies that could merc Nick Fury even if he had both eyes. I’m talking about John Steed and Emma Peel, stars of the British radio and TV series The Avengers. They even spawned a weird 90′s movie where Sean Connery was the villain and he made everyone dress like teddy bears. So let’s see how the sixties’ bantering duo of sexual innuendo stack up against Declan Bruce, bizarro agent of Ze State. Two against one!

BIOGRAPHY: John Steed begins his career as a moody trenchcoat-wearing spook, then evolves into perhaps the most dapper spy ever, even by British standards. He makes Bond seem like a brutish bully (the two characters fueded in boarding school), but is just as deadly. Ralph Fiennes played him in the film, opposite The Bride herself as Emma Peel. Peel was like if Catwoman had class, or if any of the Bond women had critical thinking skills. She’s both sex symbol in the spy genre and a feminist icon of the time. She and Steed were constantly flirting but Peel never gave in to his gentlemanly charm, since she was a widow. Not only was she a strong character, but she got all the same hero worship as the men in the spy world. Emma Peel was a scientific genius, martial arts expert, master of disguise, and saved the day just as often as Steed. And remember the old lady on Game of Thrones? Before she was Olenna Tyrell, she was Emma Peel…

TACTICS: If Declan Bruce can get past Emma Peel without rogering himself to death (a dubious effort), he’d have to deal with John Steed. Much like 00X, Steed has other methods of combat besides firearms, and because of their simple genius, they’re the best gadgets in the spy genre. Steed carries a bulletproof bowler hat and an umbrella which becomes a sword. He fights with grace and intelligence, and isn’t given to the tantrums. Their both British, but Bruce isn’t the gentleman that John Steed is.

STYLE: John Steed was like a British Don Draper. He wore a suit like it was his God-given skin, and always knew exactly what to say The ladies stood no chance, and still he was a gentleman. Diana Rigg as Emma Peel did as much as Julie Newmar as Catwoman to make the black catsuit a pop culture icon. Declan Bruce wears a robotic suit and has the style sense of 3-year-old Andy Warhol. The Avengers dominate this category with ease, so…

COULD 00X KICK THEIR ARSES?: I really wanted to get those bears in so you could see the insanity of The Avengers, because yes, Declan Bruce kicks their arses. Even two-on-one, even with a sexy lady to distract him, Declan Bruce chews through John Steeds bowler with his bare teeth, then finds August de Wynter, played by Sean Connery, and strangles him to death with his own bear costume, then takes a bunch of bear costumes for himself to wear while undercover in North Korea. The only wildcard is Emma Peel, in which case Declan Bruce would travel through realities to Westeros to roger Diana Rigg as an old lady (not that I’d turn down elderly Emma Peel for a second), causing her past self to catch on fire from the cross-dimensional napalm that is called British Lovemaking.

Interview @ Dangerous Dan’s Book Blog

I did an interview for Dangerous Dan’s Book Blog, and I talk about writing, reading, and the possibility of Thunderpussy and A Town Called Suckhole existing in the same universe. I also sound fantastically intelligent.

Head over to Dangerous Dan’s to read it, and a huge thanks to Mr. Dan as well. Check his blog for a tons more reviews of awesome books.

Thunderpussy reviewed by Dangerous Dan.

Whenever one of my books gets reviewed, I feel like this.

Today I feel it double. As you can see it’s a wonderful and titanic emotion. The reason is today’s review of Thunderpussy at Dangerous Dan’s Book Blog. And as an added bonus, Dan reviewed A Town Called Suckhole as well. Huge thanks to him. And to you, read the shit out of my books for yourself. You’ll be pleased that you did so.

SPIES LIKE WE, vol. 3: Danger Zone

An irresponsible, alcoholic, cartoon misogynist who never learns a lesson and always comes out on top. Yes, this could describe James Bond. Yes, it could describe my own fictional spy, Declan Bruce. But today it describes Sterling Malory Archer, the animated TV spy who’s realer than the real thing. Archer combines all the skill of a highly functioning spy with all the depravity of a highly functioning alcoholic. He is Declan Bruce’s closest match in terms of sheer bombastic character, but that’s why Spies Like We exists. We simply must know who would win.

BIOGRAPHY: Sterling Archer was born into the spy business. His mother was an infamous Cold Warrior playing dozens of deadly games all across the globe. Unfortunately, she lost track of who Sterling’s father actually was, so she raised the boy on her own, ritually scarring his psyche with mind games and ping pong paddles. Archer’s youth was lonely, confined to boarding schools, his heroin-addled butler Woodhouse, and a Brazilian au pair who took his virginity at the age of twelve. But thanks to his mother’s strategic and dysfunctional parenting, Archer grew into a very capable spy. She gave him the codename “Duchess” after her dog, which she clearly loved more than him.

 

TACTICS: Archer possesses a unique skill that he calls “situational awareness.” In any given predicament, Archer can never be counted out. Neither the splash of his enemies’ blood on his face or death-defying escapes seem to bother Archer as much as everyday inconveniences do. For a highly trained spy, Archer’s methods are undercut by unbalanced emotions. The verbal abuse and dysfunction on display in his everyday relationships often cut deeper than shooting pirates in the face point-blank.

 

STYLE: Sterling Archer lives the high life. He has easy access to money, clothes, beautiful women, cool spy gadgets, and was even able to meet his idol, Burt Reynolds. But while traveling the world and indulging his every whim, Archer has become vain and self-centered. The shallowest of feelings are monumental to him, and only when these emotions affect him specifically. Archer is a finely tuned killing machine, but only if you can get him to care about a particular fight. When the situation has become this drastic, he will enter an epic and vengeful state known as RAMPAGE.

COULD 00X KICK HIS ARSE?: Archer is one of the most popular animated television characters in the world right now. I spent this entire article promoting his skills and savvy, and I’m here to tell you that my guy would kick his arse. Declan Magpie Bruce, Agent 00X, has no time for silly shenanigans or juvenile jokes. Where Archer is irresponsible, Bruce is dedicated. While Archer finds ways to evade defeat, Bruce kicks defeat in its face and snatches victory from its shattered jaws. One of Archer’s deadliest weapons is his biting wit, making jokes or insults towards friends and enemies alike. Declan Bruce is British, so his sense of humor and insults are second to none (British people have the best curse words IN THE WORLD). In short, Declan Bruce doesn’t have time for cocktails and nailing girls in the men’s room when he should be chasing after ninjas. Ze State gives Bruce mission after mission, and he is often eager to move on to the next one. There is no sense of laziness or nonchalance in his character, just pure righteous fury with singular purpose. That said, Archer’s HR Rep, Pam, would make a great fight of it.

Books, Bizarro, and T-shirts ARE THE WIN!

FREE STUFF! Skurvy Ink is accepting entries into an awesome giveaway of cool t-shirts and officially autographed bizarro/horror books! There are four separate prize packages and only five days to enter. Free to enter, free to win, and in my experience Skurvy Ink has always delivered on these sorts of things. The evil shirt-gnomes working over there will hook you up.

Further proof? Within that giant pile of autographed books up for grabs is a copy of Thunderpussy with an EXCLUSIVE POSTER inside. I probably drew something in there, too, but for the life of me I can’t remember. This is a limited time thing, so head to Skurvy Ink and WIN SOME AWESOME SHIT!!!

SPIES LIKE WE, vol 2: The Moron-bot

What would happen if the hapless Inspector Clouseau was a cyborg? And not just any cyborg, but one equipped with propeller blades, roller skates, buzzsaws, spring legs, and a dozen extra arms? It sounds badass until you realize that this cyborg is the inept policeman Inspector Gadget. Once the buffoonish hero of a children’s cartoon, Gadget has since appeared in terrible live action movies played by Matthew Broderick and French Stewart. Today he suffers another indignity: standing toe to toe with Declan Magpie Bruce, star of Thunderpussy.

BIOGRAPHY: Inspector Gadget is perhaps the most diversely designed cyborg in existence, and is employed as a policeman for Metro City, stopping the machinations of the evil Dr. Claw. Numbering the various features in Gadget’s body would prove quite impossible. The drawback is that with so many telescoping arms coming out of his head, there is little room left for a functioning human brain. Thus Inspector Gadget experiences life in a state of preprogrammed doofusness, a robotic simpleton occasionally solving crimes. Declan Bruce lives in a similar state of mental impairment due to all his brain flushings… but they’ve never been able to flush him to the point of harmlessness.

 

TACTICS: Unlike James Bond, Inspector Gadget leans heavily on his weaponry. In fact, he is hard pressed to do anything in life without the use of his gadgets. But with all these technological marvels at his fingertips (literally), Gadget is perhaps the most ineffective cop in the world. His cases are routinely solved for him by his faithful sidekicks, Penny and Brain, and this codependency is his undoing. Declan Bruce would never depend on a little girl and dog (no matter how Scooby-like) for assistance. Bruce would have eschewed their help long ago so he could shove Dr. Claw’s gauntleted arm right up his own ass, ensuring the world’s safety on a more permanent basis. Gadget, meanwhile, is content to live his life in a never-ending cycle of blowing up his employer, never capturing his enemy, and bankrolling his niece’s high-tech lifestyle. He might drive a cool car, but his rational thinking skills are nonexistent.

 

STYLE: Inspector Gadget has little understanding of fashion, style, or taste. Beyond a few programmed catchphrases, he may not even possess his own personality. Gadget can always be found in his gray fedora and trench coat, which sometimes act as part of his arsenal. Declan Bruce has a much more refined and futuristic sense of style that never fails to attract the ladies (a tool Inspector Gadget does not seem to possess). If these two ever met, Bruce would likely rip away these tools and use them to disastrous effect.

 

COULD 00X KICK HIS ARSE? For the sake of argument, let’s say that the above statement is true. Declan Bruce still kicks Inspector Gadget’s robotic arse up and down the Metro City streets. Bruce was trained by robots far more deadly and insane than even post-apocalyptic Gadget could hope to be. With his kung fu grip, Bruce could break down Gadget into his millions of components and crush them all into ball bearings. Agent 00X would also be smart enough to disassemble Matthew Broderick and French Stewart, just in case they turned out to be Gadget copies programmed to be C-list actors in disguise.

SPIES LIKE WE, vol 1: Bond vs Bruce

Today marks the DVD release of Skyfall, and to celebrate this blog is kicking off a special series focusing on the spy genre. The benefits will be twofold:  we will explore and appreciate the various spies that have saved the world… and also see how they stack up against Declan Bruce, aka Agent 00X, star of Thunderpussy. I created Declan Bruce to be the perfect protagonist for the perfect spy story, but can he compete with the highest standard of the genre, James Bond?

BIOGRAPHY: Daniel Craig’s version of the character has become the perfect amalgam of all previous Bonds. He has the primal charisma of Sean Connery but steers clear of his casual arrogance. He is as romantic and debonair as Roger Moore, but not as aloof or aristocratic. It’s a fine balance to strike, one that Craig pulls off well and that Declan Bruce gently imitates. The similarities are striking, but while Craig’s Bond is the spy of modern times… Declan Bruce is the spy of the future.

TACTICS: Craig’s Bond loves to chase people. He will crash through walls and flip his car to pursue you. With a firearm (seen above) he will shoot to kill without hesitation. If his mission involves killing or obtaining your person, consider yourself quite fucked. Bond’s objectives are determined by MI6, the best in British intelligence. On the other hand, Declan Bruce’s loyalties do not lie with a single nation. Bruce is employed by Ze State, a cadre of insane movie star robots. Like Bond, Bruce does their bidding with little question, and will smash through any number of walls to achieve his ends. Unlike Bond, his missions tend to stop making sense after the first or second car crash. Nevertheless, Agent 00X plows forward, defying logic and propriety with violence and sex.

STYLE: Daniel Craig’s 007 is rarely given to gizmos and gadgetry. Instead he prefers to smash through his opponents with sheer force. Gadgets used in past Bond films are certainly cool. But they’re too convenient at times, deflecting attacks with too little effort on Bond’s part. Declan Bruce possesses a few gadgets, in the form of his opticoil and suitbot, which allow him to change his appearance and survey his surroundings. But for kicking ass, Bruce relies on his fists and feet. He’s even been known to bite the enemy in more grueling fights.

COULD 00X KICK HIS ARSE? Yes, and I’m afraid with little difficulty. Bond may be a cold and remorseless killer capable of withstanding great amounts of pain and torture, but Declan Bruce has been training to be a spy since he was five. Agent 00X is proficient in dozens of fighting styles and martial arts and is a ruthless combatant, often seeking out violence and mayhem simply as a means of expressing himself. Out of all the spies to be featured here, Bond is the most similar to Bruce, but even with every version of the character (even James Bond Jr.) teamed up against him, Declan Bruce would emerge victorious. He’s fought dinosaur ladies and a gigantic dwarf, after all.

This was a close comparison, but SPIES LIKE WE will continue into more unconventional territory, examining agents such as Danger Mouse and Inspector Gadget, who may prove to be even more similar to Declan Bruce than his human counterpart. Stay tuned.

Available Now: THUNDERPUSSY

The time is NOW! I’m excited to tell you that Thunderpussy can now be purchased at Amazon.com! The creation of this book was even weirder than the book itself. It’s a spy story in the James Bond tradition, but filtered through an insane American guy like me. So head to Amazon and get a copy (for local GA readers, I’ll have copies at Comics Plus and the Golden Bough ASAP). Here’s the cover and description:

When it comes to high-tech global espionage, only one man has the balls to save humanity from the world’s most powerful bastards. His libido is legendary and his mustache once killed a man. He’s Declan Magpie Bruce, Agent 00X.

And when every other spy is perforated, it’s up to him to stop a maniacal genius bent on destroying the planet. To do so, he’ll navigate a deadly gauntlet of kung fu Rastafarians, freakish henchmen, velociraptor ladies, and the most dangerous pussy in the world. There will be secrets and seduction, luxury and lunacy, and a beautiful French jewel thief who could kick Declan Bruce’s arse with her eyes closed.

Thunderpussy is a bizarro cyberspy thriller that’ll fry every microchip the government secretly implanted in your brain.

COMING SOON: Thunderpussy!

My next novella will be available soon, and today I got the finalized cover art. It’s called Thunderpussy, a bizarro Bond-style spy thriller, published by those lovable misfits at Eraserhead Press. More info on the book will come later, but for now I have to send out HUGE thanks to Jim Agpalza for the beautiful art and Carlton Mellick III for the awesome design work (not to mention that kickass blurb). I actually sketched this on paper back when I was coming up with the story, and those two guys brought that to life for the cover for my next book. When I was younger, the idea of this would have burst out the back of my skull and covered you in my bloody brain meat. But that didn’t happen, so without further ado…