NM/CL Tourney: Alfred vs the Ninjerbread Man

David Barbee’s attempt at perfecting “Hamlet”, even better than Kafka and Burroughs, had gone widely astray.  That’s probably why actor Alfred found himself still playing the Prince of Denmark, even though the story had come to an end.  “Whatever,” he said to himself, “I’m still being paid for my services.”

He was reminiscing about working with the Courtyard Players when a man, a man made of cookie bits, came across the path he was watching.

“What gives?  You’re rather odd, aren’t you?”

The cookie man said nothing.

“I can see your manners are as lacking as your voice, knave!  Perhaps a good slap, one you may offer an ignorant bitch, will revive your words.”  Alfred slapped the cookie man across his face.  It was a fey slap, as Alfred was known for, but it still bore a bite.

The cookie man remained quiet.

“Please step thee from the path, fiend.  I’ve pressing business to tend and you’re holding me up.”

The cookie man still said nothing.

“Verily then shall I destroy thee,” Alfred said, sure to keep the flowery performance.  “For I am Prince Hamlet of Denmark and you are nothing more than a scurveous, onion-eyed scut, you are!  Avast!”

Alfred drew his rapier and let the tip tickle the cookie man. 

“Surely you would pleasure me with your name before I allow maggots to feast on your soul.”

The cookie man looked up and said, “I’m the Ninjerbread Man.”  The look that followed was enough to send a shiver of dread right down Alfred’s spine.

Alfred was a lover, an actor, and a self-indulged fop – these were things at which he excelled.  What he did not excel at was combat (save for the stage, of course).  It only took seconds, if that.  Perhaps it was nanoseconds.  When it was all said and done, Alfred lay broken, literally, in seventeen pieces.  The Ninjerbread Man placed a single gum drop atop each the pieces and walked off into the countryside, seeking his next victim.

Ninjerbread vs Alfred


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