Snufftoons, ch. 4

An alien invader without a ray gun is no alien invader at all.  I think you’ll like this chapter.  Oh, and make sure you get 898’s first invasion.  As crazy as Snufftoons is going to be, Carnageland is just as effed up.


898 staggered through the cartoon city’s dark alleyways, his mind swimming in toonblood.  It was a constant rush unlike anything he’d ever felt.  The laughter of it still pounded against the coils of his springy metal skull, a booming cackle that sent tidal waves of joy through his body.

But he knew the effects would soon wear off, and so he would have to have more of it.  Suddenly he could think of nothing else, because to an invader, enough was never enough.  Inpire had had honed his avarice to a fine point.

Perhaps too fine, as he had broken their laws many times to satisfy his urges.  And now he’d decided that he would have as much toonblood as he could possibly get away with taking.

But the invasion still came first.  The appearance of proper conduct must be upheld.  Greed forbid the High Executives discover what he really was.  The discovery of one sin would lead to another, and his entire career—his very life—would come tumbling down like dominos.

898 had to be as cautious as possible while also abusing the planet to the utmost of his ability.  He was confident he could pull it off.

First he would need a weapon.  The rabbit had destroyed his Doomshooter and he still needed to defend himself.  He continued wandering through the alleyway, which was mostly empty save for some talking cartoon trashcans.  Eventually he came to back-alley shop with a sign over the door reading “Wally Quantum, Certifiable Mad Scientist.”  The door itself was slightly ajar, so 898 crept over to it and slipped inside.

The little shop was crammed with cartoon junk, only some of it alive.  898 approached a sales counter opposite the door.  A small cartoon bell on the counter noticed him and began ringing and shouting.  “Boss!  Boss!  There’s a customer!”

A cartoon boy popped up from behind the counter.  He had spiky yellow hair and wore a large white lab coat.  He smiled at the invader wildly, blinking his large cartoon eyes through the pair of goggles strapped to his face.

“Wally Quantum!” he shouted, thrusting a hand at 898.  “Infallible boy genius bent on world domination!  Science is my game!  You need science, I’m your boy genius!  I’m just pleased as purple punch that you’re here now, sir, but I’m not here to be pleased, I’m here to sell ya something!  What can I do ya for?”

The cartoon boy jabbered on, rambling about this subject or the other.  898 doubted the cartoon boy was a genius, or even if he was moderately intelligent.

“You think you know science, pal?” the toon boy continued.  “You don’t know Wally Quantum!  Why, I’m giving away deals on mad science right now that’d make that giant head of yours spin!  We got all the science you’ll ever need and it’s all gotta go!”

898 lunged across the sales counter and siezed Wally Quantum by the collar of his lab coat.  “I need a weapon,” he said, unsure if the toon actually understood him.  “I can pay you.”

“Weapons?” Wally Quantum asked.  “I got weapons pouring outta my ears!  They’re in the back, let me show you!”  He pulled free of 898’s grasp and hurried away through a curtain.  898 hopped over the sales counter and followed.

The back room was a sprawling laboratory, much bigger than the outside of Wally Quantum’s shop suggested.  898 noted that the physics of this planet were suitably warped, just like its citizens.

Wally Quantum led the invader through a jungle of giant computers and beeping cartoon machinery, eventually coming to a table covered with cartoon weapons.  He picked up a large cartoon mallet and handed it to the invader.  898 took the weapon and examined it.  The head of the mallet was almost bigger than him.

“Standard issue squashing mallet,” said Quantum, “but with my own modifications.”  He reached over and pressed a button on the handle.  Instantly, the face of the mallet sprang open on a hinge, unleashing a large robotic arm wielding another mallet at least quadruple the size of the one in 898’s hand.

898 retracted the super-mallet and handed the weapon back to Wally Quantum.  “Striking weapons are primitive and uncivilized.  I prefer a firearm of some sort.”

“Aha!” Wally Quantum nearly screamed.  He surveyed the weapons on his table and presented a long bazooka.  He hefted the weapon onto his shoulder and fired it, shooting several square black safes across the lab.  “Sir, you hit a toon with a safe, that’ll be that.”

“Will it kill?” the invader asked.

“Hell no!” said the boy genius, appalled.  “But it’s funny as hell!  It’s a safe for cryin’ out loud!  Everybody loves the safe gag!  And these are ‘ACVE’ safes!  That’s how you know they’re quality, man!”

“I need something that will kill.  Something that will get me out of tight situations.”

Wally Quantum laughed hysterically.  “Never can be too safe in this city, right?” he said between fits of giggling.  He suddenly stopped laughing and handed 898 a small cartoon gun.  It looked like a simple snub-nosed revolver, fat and inky black, but Wally Quantum now acted very secretive and serious.  “Joke gun,” he muttered, cutting his eyes at the invader.  “Typical trigger-flag interface.”

“What does that mean?” 898 asked, taking the gun and examining it.

“Try it out and see!” said the boy genius.  He threw his arms wide and spun around the lab, making helicopter noises.

“Is it loaded?” the invader asked.

“Always loaded!” Wally Quantum exclaimed, still spinning.  898 stared hatefully at the boy.  He pointed the cartoon gun at Wally Quantum and squeezed the trigger.

A thin bar extended from the gun’s barrel, and a small red flag rolled off of it to hang harmlessly in the air.  On the flag was a word written in bold yellow letters: “BANG!”

898 was sure he’d been cheated when Wally Quantum’s entire toon body instantly burst into an explosion of brightly colored flesh and laughing toonblood.  898 shielded himself from the explosion.

He was first relieved that the joke gun actually did as it was advertised.  He then became hungry for the laughing toonblood filling the air.  The invader walked through the scene of the murder, avoiding the slippery globs of Wally Quantum splattered all around.  He felt the toonblood enter through his tiny ear holes and begin reverberating in his brain.  It felt wondrous.

After several long moments, the invader left the lab.  He headed back onto the streets of the cartoon city, his mind already beginning to swim.  There was still an invasion on.


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