Snufftoons, ch. 7

Across the entire planet, cartoon families were watching the Clint Cobblestone Show.  On the curvy black planes of the anvil world, backwoods cartoons watched the show on old inbred cartoon TVs.  In the city, toons watched TVs in shop windows on the streets or in their apartments.  They even watched the Clint Cobblestone Show in the movie theatres.

Footage of the invader was seen by absolutely everyone. He was the biggest star in the world, their new obsession.  They watched him murder Ranger Rabbit over and over again.  They worshipped the sectarian violence in Anime Town.  The toons laughed and hooted and screamed at the antics.

The invader’s killing spree had driven Clint Cobblestone’s ratings through the roof.  He appeared on every TV screen across the planet, sitting behind his desk and smiling into the camera.

“Surely,” he said with a sneer, “you guys have had enough?”

“NNOOOOOO!” the live audience screamed, along with every other toon on the planet.

“Good!” said Cobblestone.  “Because I’ve got news for you!  It ain’t over!  I’ve just received breaking news that our own personal alien invader has been busy!  The remains of Wally Quantum, Certifiable Mad Scientist, have just been found!  And folks, he ain’t lookin’ too good!”

Footage of Wally Quantum’s body was shown.  All that remained of him were bright colorful blobs of toonflesh splattered across the floor of his laboratory.  “Don’t go all to pieces, Wally!” said Cobblestone.  The toons cheered and laughed.

“And that’s not all!  The richest cartoon in the world, Peabody Billionbucks, has just become the latest victim of the alien invasion!”  The camera shot switched to the cartoon banker sitting atop his mountain of dollar-dogs.

“It was terrible!” the banker sobbed, cartoon tears streaming out of his black-dot eyes.  He held up squirming cartoon puppies in each hand.  “He didn’t even take any of my money!”

The camera came back to Cobblestone sitting behind his desk.  “Unfortunately, Mr. Billionbucks was left unharmed by the invader.”  The audience laughed hysterically and Cobblestone had to smile to himself.  They were eating it up.

“Onto other news!” he said.  “There’s one toon that isn’t so impressed by our little spaceman.  And that toon is the Mayor himself.  Is the invader truly here to kill the Mayor, and better yet, how awesome would it be if he did?”

The audience screamed in approval.  They only craved more violence, especially if the Mayor was involved.  He was the most psychotic toon of them all.

“We’ll answer those questions right after these messages!” Cobblestone announced.

The commercial cued up, showing a cute cartoon boy eating little blue cartoon people out of a cereal bowl.  He turned to the camera, eyes sparkling.  “Packing a metric ton of slapstick wackiness into your day is tough,” he said.  “But that’s why I always start my day with a fresh bowl of Squrf Snacks!”

The commercial then showed a blue cereal box with a smiling cartoon Squrf eating a spoonful of smaller Squrfs.  “Squrf Snacks,” said the boy.  “The best Squrf-flavored cereal made from pure Squrfs that taste just like Squrfs.”


Across town, two GI Johns huddled in the shadows of an abandoned warehouse.  One was dressed like a construction worker, with a hardhat and orange vest, and the other wore scuba gear.  They pointed their cartoon cameras at the center of the room.

Invader 898 stood in a circle of light, wobbly on his feet, high on the thick cloud of toonblood floating in the air.  Several dead cartoons lay around him.  They were mostly small housecats, though there were a few burly lions and tigers.  Kneeling before him was a dark gray cat wearing a bright red zoot suit.

The GI Johns recognized the cat and zoomed in on it.  It was Cat Capone, leader of the feline mafia. They’d been at war with the cartoon dogs since the beginning of the planet’s history.  The alien seemed to be interrogating him.  The GI Johns listened.

“You aren’t making this any easier,” said the invader.  Cat Capone was battered and swollen.  Little bandages had popped up across his face like acne.  His big feline eyes spun in their sockets and a long pink tongue unrolled from his mouth and across the floor.

898 bashed the cat in the head with the butt of his toon pistol.  “It can still get worse,” he said.  “One of you on this planet must understand basic economic concepts.  Someone has a distribution system for toonblood.  You’re going to tell me who it is.”

Cat Capone said nothing.  His sharp feline teeth crumbled from his mouth and his eyes still spun.  “Very well,” said the invader.

He raised his hand and pointed a finger at Cat Capone.  The bulbous green fingertip began to glow like a light bulb, becoming brighter and brighter.  898 gingerly lay the finger on Cat Capone’s forehead and the little cartoon cat’s body seized and jerked.

Inperial interrogation tactics had evolved to the point of limited telepathy.  After a few seconds under 898’s control, Cat Capone’s body finally stopped twitching.  His eyes ceased their spinning and were filled with a bright yellow light.  “Goony the Dog sells toonblood,” the cat said in an even echo.  “Only a dog would sell toonblood to other toons.”

898 released his hold on the cat.  “Excellent,” he said.  He pointed the black revolver at the cat and pulled the trigger.  A blue flag shot out with a white handicap parking symbol.

Cat Capone’s brightly colored flesh warped and changed.  His gray fur bubbled with tumors and deformities.  A wheelchair grew out of his back, twisting his spine backwards.  He bent and distorted into a quivering blobby mass melded to the warped wheelchair of his own flesh.  With one last convulsion, Cat Capone died.

The invader left the scene, but not before soaking in another dose of toonblood from Cat Capone’s deformed corpse.

The GI Johns hurried after him.

Keep checking back for more Snufftoons.  And remember kids, 898’s first invasion can be found here:

It’s the same rip-roaring bizarro awesomeness of Snufftoons, but with fairy tales instead of cartoons.


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