Snufftoons, ch 9


Meanwhile, the Clint Cobblestone Show was going into overdrive.  Ratings had continued to go through the roof and were now reaching the planet’s orbit.

Clint Cobblestone stood onstage next to a cartoon satellite dish that reported up-to-the-minute news on the invader’s whereabouts.  “The alien is heading into Happy Acres!” it screamed with its giant dish-mouth.  The studio audience roared with applause.

“That’s right, folks!” said Clint Cobblestone.  “Our war machine is on the march!”  The burly caveman smiled.  He had the whole city in the palm of his hands.  But it could all be so much more.  This could be his biggest production ever.  He just had to raise the stakes a bit.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said in a provocative voice.  The audience hung on his every word.  “I… have… news!”  Gigantic applause.   “Recent footage shows that the invader has visited the leaders of the dog and cat crime families!”

The audience cheered at this new bit of juicy gossip.  A large cartoon TV monitor descended from the studio ceiling.  The TV showed the slaughtered remains of the cat mafia sprawled across a warehouse floor.  “And as you can see,” said Cobblestone, “The cats have seen better days!”

The audience roared in laughter.

“But the juiciest rumor is this, ladies and gentlemen: the invader is here to assassinate the Mayor!  That’s right, we could see the Mayor versus the Invader!  The brawl to end ‘em all!  One on one!  Mano a mano!”

The audience rabidly cheered.  “And that’s not all!” Cobblestone announced.

Cobblestone held his hands wide, letting every toon on the planet prepare for what he was about to say.  “After all the killing, all the mayhem, all the violence, it’s time for me to pump up the volume!  For the next hour only, I will pay one million dollar-dogs—of my own money—to the toon that goes out and kills our alien invader!”

The toons gasped at the prospect.  Watching the invader was entertainment bliss, and now Cobblestone was offering them a chance to be part of the show.  “I know there are toons in this city who would love to get paid!” he said.  “Find him!  Fight him!  Kill him!  Or be killed yourself!  Either way, everybody get out there and let’s have ourselves a show!”

The audience burst into thunderous applause, bouncing off the walls in sheer joy.  Cobblestone smiled.  Even if all the bounty hunters and thugs killed the invader, even if they collected the million dollar-dogs, it wouldn’t matter.

It all meant huge ratings.


A short chapter today, but more’s to come tomorrow.  Chapter 10 is filled with Care Bears and prostitutes, so stay tuned.  In the meanby, head to Amazon and deploy your generocity upon my Carnageland:


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