Snufftoons, ch 10

Whoo hoo!  Chapter 10!  Remember kids, this is just ONE invasion of Invader 898’s storied career.  To see his first invasion, make sure you get Carnageland, available here:

898 watched the Clint Cobblestone Show on a television sitting behind a store window.  He didn’t like it.  This was a Beta Class invasion, meant to be handled quietly and delicately.  Things were escalating far too fast.  The body count was already too high.  The invasion was beginning to devolve into all-out war.

Which wasn’t good for 898’s career.

He hurried into an alleyway for cover.  He was still several blocks away from the Mayor’s domicile.  There could be no more distractions, no more veering off the schedule to kill or interact with these natives.  898 wondered how this new resolve would fare when his next chance for toonblood presented itself.

He crept through the alley, turned a corner, and found his next temptation waiting for him.  It was a gang of cartoon teddy bears, spraying graffiti on the alley walls with little cartoon cans of spray-paint.

The bears had rainbow colored fur and looked quite cuddly, but they wore baggy street clothes and mean expressions.  They noticed the invader and grimaced and sneered at him.  They seemed to already know who he was, despite not having a TV around to watch.  “Looks like we just got a million dollar-dogs, boys,” said one of the teddy bears.  The other bears pulled out toon mallets and the gang began circling around 898.

“You don’t want to do this,” said the invader.  The bears laughed menacingly.  898 didn’t want to kill them.  He could easily leap over them with his springy bones.  He could avoid a skirmish with these teddy bears and get the invasion moving along properly.

Then again.

If he killed them, they would bleed.

898 raised the revolver and fired.  A flag popped out of the barrel, bright yellow with a fierce black happy face.  The teddy bears suddenly seized and jerked.  They dropped their mallets as sharp smiles spread across their bear lips.  The smiles stretched wider and wider across their faces until they wrapped around the bears’ skulls and their eyes bugged out from their sockets.

The bears’ heads finally popped like balloons, and cackling laughter filled the alleyway, echoing off the walls and crashing into 898’s earholes.  He relaxed and let waves of laughing pleasure wash over his mind.

Sometime later, the toonblood dissipated into the air, leaving the invader slack and drooling.  He leaned against the alley wall, which seemed to slant away from him, causing him to stumble.  He crashed out onto the street, tripping over a gaggle of tiny cartoon chipmunks.  898 fell to the sidewalk, landing flat on his face.

The invader looked up, orange drool trailing from his slack lipless.  He saw three toons looking down at him, smiling.


The toons stared down at the groaning green man.  They worked the streets of Happy Acres, and had seen it all.  They’d picked up toon johns lying face down on the sidewalk all the time.  But this green man was different.

“He’s mine,” said the cartoon panther.  Her fur was sleek purple and she wore a skimpy white negligee with tall high-heeled boots.

“He’s got no pants!” said another toon.  This one was a rooster, tall and masculine but wearing a silky dress.  He batted his thick eyelashes at the panther and said, “How can he have any money without any pants?”

The third toon kneeled down by the invader.  “He’s got a gun,” she said, taking the cartoon revolver from 898’s limp hand.  She was a short and curvy toon girl, with gray skin and black hair.  She wore a simple black negligee and stared down at the alien with large white eyes.

“Why don’t we let him choose?” she asked, slipping the toon gun into her ample cleavage.  The rooster and panther shrugged in agreement.  They doubted the little green man was worth the time.  “How about it, baby?” the black-and-white girl asked.  “Who do you wanna party with?”

The invader groaned and reached upward.  He grabbed at the black-and-white toon’s cleavage, trying to retrieve his gun but only exposing her plump gray breasts.

“Yes!”  She stood up, tucking her breasts back into her lingerie.  “Better luck next time, girls.”  The cartoon panther and the cross-dressing rooster scoffed at the black-and-white toon and started strutting away down the sidewalk.

The black-and-white girl pulled the little alien to his feet.  She was barely taller than him.  His feet drunkenly dragged on the sidewalk as she pulled him along by his huge round head.

“Where am I?” the alien mumbled.

“This is Happy Acres,” she said.  “And it’s no place to be on a bad trip.  Let me guess… toonblood, right?”

The little green man mumbled and nodded his large head.  “Who… are you?” he asked.

“I’m Melody Moll,” she said.

“Need… somewhere safe…” 898 groaned.  Melody Moll dragged the invader into a shadowy alleyway and pushed him against the wall.  She pressed her body against him and whispered into his earhole.

“Oh I’ll take care of you, baby,” she said.  Her smooth voice mixed with the laughing toonblood in his brain.  “I know all about the million dollar-dogs.  You’re that alien invader, aren’t you?  I watch TV, unlike those other bitches.  There’s a ton of toon bounty hunters looking for you right now.  They’re gonna chop you up and laugh while they do it.  So, this is how it is:  I could toss you to the wolves, or we could work out a deal after you’ve sobered up.  What do you say?”

With great effort, the invader nodded.


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