Snufftoons, ch 13

Invader 898 vs. hordes of cartoon superheroes!  AHHHH!

Chapter 13

The toon superheroes were the Mayor’s private army.  They were notorious for collateral damage, spending most of their time flying around the planet and throwing each other into things.

But for all their superpowers, they were smart enough to fear the Mayor.  So when he ordered an attack, they quickly responded.

It began with Mega Mouse grabbing the invader and hurling him into a nearby building.  The building crumbled with the impact, and the other cartoon structures quickly transformed and hurried away from the scene.  Even the streets retreated from the battle, rolling themselves away like rugs.  Only the flat metal surface of the anvil planet remained, as well as the Mayor’s mansion, still pulsing like a cheerful tumor. 

898 got to his feet amidst the toon rubble, only to be kicked back to the ground by the Masked Mallard, an angry toon duck in a black shrouded costume.  An expert at martial arts, the Masked Mallard punched and kicked 898 mercilessly.

The invader tripped the duck’s floppy webbed feet and sprang away.  He hoped to get some distance so he could shoot the toon gun, but he was intercepted by the Bionic Cheerleaders.  They grabbed his arms and legs and pulled.  898’s arms and legs stretched, causing his springy metal bones to uncoil.  His limbs stretched to three times their normal length until finally the toon gun fell from 898’s hand.  Satisfied, the Bionic Cheerleaders threw the invader into the sky, his stretched-out arms and legs flapping uselessly.  He was punched back to the ground by Planet Man.

The alien lay there for a moment, face down.  The bones of his arms and legs began to slowly re-coil themselves.  He saw the shadows of more superheroes streaking across the black metal ground.  There was nowhere to hide, and he was without a weapon.  He raced to conceive a battle plan, but nothing came to mind.

When 898 finally looked up, the superhero rock band Metalscream stood over him.  They raised angry cartoon guitars shaped like battleaxes over their heads, ready to kill.  898 sprang upwards, snatching a guitar from the band’s lead singer, Max Mortuary.  With a swing of the shrieking instrument, 898 beheaded the members of Metalscream and rushed into the crowded battlefield.  Hundreds of superheroes had gathered, all itching for a chance to fight the invader.

He bounced into the air erratically as scores of heroes dive-bombed him from the sky.  Any cartoon that came close was sliced with the toon guitar.  Ninja Hamsters, Thunderbats, and Hypernoids all died in bursts of laughing toonblood.  But there were hundreds more closing in, and the toon guitar-ax was nearly dead itself.  898’s mind buzzed from the thick torrents of toonblood filling the air.  It became even harder to concentrate on the battle, and he was nearly killed by Captain Mighty as he stumbled around in a daze.

Then, as if the bliss of toonblood had enhanced his vision, he saw the toon gun.  It lay on the ground, ignored by the gaggle of teenage sidekicks that stood near it.  898 ran for it.  He crashed into the sidekicks, scattering them like the pitiful creatures they were, and snatched up the gun.

He turned, aimed at the superhero swarm, and fired.

A red flag.  A fat white dot in its center.  And within that white dot, a sharp black swastika.

The very ground rumbled, mixing with the laughing toonblood still hanging in the air.  The toon superheroes stopped in their tracks.  The rumbling continued, then became a rhythmic thudding, like thousands of goose-stepping boots.

Cartoon Nazis exploded out of the ground, sending chunks of black steel soaring into the air.  They wore neat uniforms adorned with medals and armbands.  Each toon face had handsome Aryan features, but in their burning red eyes there was only wild savagery.

Many Nazis blasted into the air and latched onto flying heroes like RockeTeen and Ultra-Ghost.  Others ran into the crowd, tackling superheroes and sidekicks with ruthless animal aggression.  The Nazis bit and clawed and tore the superheroes to pieces.  No amount of super strength or speed could fend off the feral Nazis.  Throats were ripped out, and bright toonflesh splattered across the ground.  A roaring tidal wave of toonblood rose into the air, and 898 held his earholes shut to keep from going mad.

After long minutes, he finally looked up.

The battlefield was littered with mangled toon corpses.  The cartoon Nazis stood in formation in front of the invader, waiting patiently.  One of them stepped forward as 898 got to his feet.  “Reporting for duty, mein Fuhrer!” the Nazi shouted.

898 shook his head.  Everything still felt fuzzy, but it didn’t matter.  Things actually seemed to be working.  These natives had thrown their best at him and yet again he had prevailed.

He addressed his troops.  “Excellent work, fascist pawns.  Your help will be remembered by Inpire Inc.  Now, you will spread out across this city.  You will patrol the streets and maintain order with these toons, but do not kill them.  If they resist, remind them of what happened to their superheroes.”

“Seig Heil!” they all screamed.  The Nazi horde saluted and began goose-stepping away into the toon city.

898 turned to see the Mayor’s mansion, still bouncing along happily.  He could no longer remember if this invasion was on schedule, but he knew it was nearly over.

Three more chapters to go!  And if you’re liking Snufftoons, remember to check out Carnageland:


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