SPIES LIKE WE, vol 2: The Moron-bot

What would happen if the hapless Inspector Clouseau was a cyborg? And not just any cyborg, but one equipped with propeller blades, roller skates, buzzsaws, spring legs, and a dozen extra arms? It sounds badass until you realize that this cyborg is the inept policeman Inspector Gadget. Once the buffoonish hero of a children’s cartoon, Gadget has since appeared in terrible live action movies played by Matthew Broderick and French Stewart. Today he suffers another indignity: standing toe to toe with Declan Magpie Bruce, star of Thunderpussy.


BIOGRAPHY: Inspector Gadget is perhaps the most diversely designed cyborg in existence, and is employed as a policeman for Metro City, stopping the machinations of the evil Dr. Claw. Numbering the various features in Gadget’s body would prove quite impossible. The drawback is that with so many telescoping arms coming out of his head, there is little room left for a functioning human brain. Thus Inspector Gadget experiences life in a state of preprogrammed doofusness, a robotic simpleton occasionally solving crimes. Declan Bruce lives in a similar state of mental impairment due to all his brain flushings… but they’ve never been able to flush him to the point of harmlessness.


TACTICS: Unlike James Bond, Inspector Gadget leans heavily on his weaponry. In fact, he is hard pressed to do anything in life without the use of his gadgets. But with all these technological marvels at his fingertips (literally), Gadget is perhaps the most ineffective cop in the world. His cases are routinely solved for him by his faithful sidekicks, Penny and Brain, and this codependency is his undoing. Declan Bruce would never depend on a little girl and dog (no matter how Scooby-like) for assistance. Bruce would have eschewed their help long ago so he could shove Dr. Claw’s gauntleted arm right up his own ass, ensuring the world’s safety on a more permanent basis. Gadget, meanwhile, is content to live his life in a never-ending cycle of blowing up his employer, never capturing his enemy, and bankrolling his niece’s high-tech lifestyle. He might drive a cool car, but his rational thinking skills are nonexistent.


STYLE: Inspector Gadget has little understanding of fashion, style, or taste. Beyond a few programmed catchphrases, he may not even possess his own personality. Gadget can always be found in his gray fedora and trench coat, which sometimes act as part of his arsenal. Declan Bruce has a much more refined and futuristic sense of style that never fails to attract the ladies (a tool Inspector Gadget does not seem to possess). If these two ever met, Bruce would likely rip away these tools and use them to disastrous effect.


COULD 00X KICK HIS ARSE? For the sake of argument, let’s say that the above statement is true. Declan Bruce still kicks Inspector Gadget’s robotic arse up and down the Metro City streets. Bruce was trained by robots far more deadly and insane than even post-apocalyptic Gadget could hope to be. With his kung fu grip, Bruce could break down Gadget into his millions of components and crush them all into ball bearings. Agent 00X would also be smart enough to disassemble Matthew Broderick and French Stewart, just in case they turned out to be Gadget copies programmed to be C-list actors in disguise.



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