SPIES LIKE WE: vol. 4: Avengers Assemble

No, not those Avengers, but you’re probably a kindly comic fan who found this page because of the confusion. Gotcha, I guess. No, we talk about spies in these here parts, and the Avengers are a pair of spies that could merc Nick Fury even if he had both eyes. I’m talking about John Steed and Emma Peel, stars of the British radio and TV series The Avengers. They even spawned a weird 90’s movie where Sean Connery was the villain and he made everyone dress like teddy bears. So let’s see how the sixties’ bantering duo of sexual innuendo stack up against Declan Bruce, bizarro agent of Ze State. Two against one!


BIOGRAPHY: John Steed begins his career as a moody trenchcoat-wearing spook, then evolves into perhaps the most dapper spy ever, even by British standards. He makes Bond seem like a brutish bully (the two characters fueded in boarding school), but is just as deadly. Ralph Fiennes played him in the film, opposite The Bride herself as Emma Peel. Peel was like if Catwoman had class, or if any of the Bond women had critical thinking skills. She’s both sex symbol in the spy genre and a feminist icon of the time. She and Steed were constantly flirting but Peel never gave in to his gentlemanly charm, since she was a widow. Not only was she a strong character, but she got all the same hero worship as the men in the spy world. Emma Peel was a scientific genius, martial arts expert, master of disguise, and saved the day just as often as Steed. And remember the old lady on Game of Thrones? Before she was Olenna Tyrell, she was Emma Peel…


TACTICS: If Declan Bruce can get past Emma Peel without rogering himself to death (a dubious effort), he’d have to deal with John Steed. Much like 00X, Steed has other methods of combat besides firearms, and because of their simple genius, they’re the best gadgets in the spy genre. Steed carries a bulletproof bowler hat and an umbrella which becomes a sword. He fights with grace and intelligence, and isn’t given to the tantrums. Their both British, but Bruce isn’t the gentleman that John Steed is.


STYLE: John Steed was like a British Don Draper. He wore a suit like it was his God-given skin, and always knew exactly what to say The ladies stood no chance, and still he was a gentleman. Diana Rigg as Emma Peel did as much as Julie Newmar as Catwoman to make the black catsuit a pop culture icon. Declan Bruce wears a robotic suit and has the style sense of 3-year-old Andy Warhol. The Avengers dominate this category with ease, so…


COULD 00X KICK THEIR ARSES?: I really wanted to get those bears in so you could see the insanity of The Avengers, because yes, Declan Bruce kicks their arses. Even two-on-one, even with a sexy lady to distract him, Declan Bruce chews through John Steeds bowler with his bare teeth, then finds August de Wynter, played by Sean Connery, and strangles him to death with his own bear costume, then takes a bunch of bear costumes for himself to wear while undercover in North Korea. The only wildcard is Emma Peel, in which case Declan Bruce would travel through realities to Westeros to roger Diana Rigg as an old lady (not that I’d turn down elderly Emma Peel for a second), causing her past self to catch on fire from the cross-dimensional napalm that is called British Lovemaking.


One Response to “SPIES LIKE WE: vol. 4: Avengers Assemble”

  1. Thomas Curren Says:

    I want one of those bear suits

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