SPIES LIKE WE, vol. 6: Brock of Ages

For the penultimate volume of Spies Like We, I present the greatest deathmatch of all time: Declan Bruce vs. Brock Samson. If you’ve read Thunderpussy, you know all about Agent 00X, but Brock Samson is one of the most legendary and killingest secret agents that ever lived. He possesses a rare license to kill, and gleefully uses it against enemy agents and villainous henchmen by the truckload. He’s even killed Adolph Hitler with a magic dagger and held Edgar Allen Poe in a headlock… but what happens when the Golden Fleece that is Brock Samson’s mullet clashes against the deadly curls of Declan Bruce’s mustache?

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BIOGRAPHY: Brock Samson is a quarter Swedish, a quarter Polish, and half Winnebago. Even in childhood Samson displayed a natural talent for both violence and promiscuity. He studied football at State University before joining the military and advancing into the super-secret O.S.I. organization. There he was trained by the brilliant psycho-spy Colonel Hunter Gathers. Brock was later assigned to a degrading-yet-crucial mission called Operation Rusty’s Blanket, where he looked after the current generation of super-scientist Ventures. At a later point, on a bloody battlefield covered in wriggling dead clones, Samson quit the assignment and moved onto the elite espionage outfit known as SPHINX. At no point during this time was Brock Samson’s masculinity ever seriously threatened.

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TACTICS: While possessing a license to kill and expertise in the deadly art of blood judo, Brock Samson disdains firearms. He is a capable marksman, but prefers to kill his enemies by almost any other means, mainly by using his hunting knife, his bare hands, or his’69 Dodge Charger. “Death by Samson” is a well-known and respectable end for most henchmen. Samson possesses no genetic or bionic upgrades (besides a steel chest plate he received while having a robot removed from his sternum), but possesses a nearly supernatural intuition for killing. He is capable of rigging booby traps for his enemies, orchestrating complex battle plans, and can sense whenever anyone has tampered with his car. Brock refuses to kill women or children, but has gone toe-to-toe with polar bears, crocodiles, mummies, robots, and chupacabras without hesitation.

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STYLE: Brock Samson has an ever evolving style, though a love for Led Zeppelin remains throughout. Brock’s car, named Adrienne, holds a special place in his heart. Even after brutally dismantling her (after the car was secretly reprogrammed to eliminate him), Brock struggled through the betrayal and painstakingly rebuilt her. Samson can be found in all manner of clothing, usually dressing in 70’s garb unless wearing that 90’s hoodie from the episode “Perchance to Dean.” Samson’s hair comes and goes depending on the brutality of his last fight, but much like Samson himself, the hair always comes back. He even manages to look good wearing nothing but blood and a censor bar.

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COULD DECLAN BRUCE KICK HIS ARSE?: No. That’s right. I worked hard creating a badass superspy character and I’m freely admitting that Brock Samson, even as an old man in the futuristic world Declan Bruce lives in… would kick his arse. Please don’t tell.

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