My Books in Barnes & Noble

The manager of my local Barnes & Noble is a douche, so forget having bizarro books on display there. But in Fairbanks,  Alaska you can find this:

Gigantic thanks to my friend Sarah Hartley Shaw for getting A Town Called Suckhole into a corporate chain store! I’m extremely happy about this since it’s the first time I’ve seen one of my books in a Barnes & Noble, and I’m even happier because I know it won’t be the last. Bizarro will take over the bookshelves one of these days, and no amount of elitist bookkeepers can stop it.

Speaking of taking over, you should see about getting Thunderpussy into your local BN. Suckhole looks lonely. You can order it for yourself or just ask them to stock it, even if the manager is a stuffy old douche.

Thunderpussy @ ManArchy Magazine

Gabino Iglesias is one of the most well-read people on the planet. The sheer number of books he reads (not to mention reviews) makes me feel like I watch too much fucking TV. Luckily he’s one of the good guys. Gabino reviewed my last book in The Austin Post, and now he’s reviewed Thunderpussy at ManArchy Magazine. I truly can’t think of a better place for Thunderpussy to shine, as ManArchy is a haven for pulpy neo-noir fiction with a masculine bent. Declan Magpie Bruce is nothing if not masculine, and I’m thrilled that his transcredible exploits have been reviewed there. Click here to read all about it.

And huge thanks go out to Gabino Iglesias. While you’re buying Thunderpussy, make sure to check out his book Gutmouth. Both are named after mutated body parts. Weird.

THUNDERPUSSY reviewed @ Ain’t It Cool News.

It is my pleasure today to announce Farnsworthian GOOD NEWS! My latest book, Thunderpussy, was received and reviewed at the mecca of geeks, Ain’t-It-Cool-News. Now I feel like this

So head to AICN to read the review, and then after that head to Amazon and perhaps get yourself a copy. This book is the best thing with pussy in its name since… well, you know.

SPIES LIKE WE, vol. 6: Brock of Ages

For the penultimate volume of Spies Like We, I present the greatest deathmatch of all time: Declan Bruce vs. Brock Samson. If you’ve read Thunderpussy, you know all about Agent 00X, but Brock Samson is one of the most legendary and killingest secret agents that ever lived. He possesses a rare license to kill, and gleefully uses it against enemy agents and villainous henchmen by the truckload. He’s even killed Adolph Hitler with a magic dagger and held Edgar Allen Poe in a headlock… but what happens when the Golden Fleece that is Brock Samson’s mullet clashes against the deadly curls of Declan Bruce’s mustache?

BIOGRAPHY: Brock Samson is a quarter Swedish, a quarter Polish, and half Winnebago. Even in childhood Samson displayed a natural talent for both violence and promiscuity. He studied football at State University before joining the military and advancing into the super-secret O.S.I. organization. There he was trained by the brilliant psycho-spy Colonel Hunter Gathers. Brock was later assigned to a degrading-yet-crucial mission called Operation Rusty’s Blanket, where he looked after the current generation of super-scientist Ventures. At a later point, on a bloody battlefield covered in wriggling dead clones, Samson quit the assignment and moved onto the elite espionage outfit known as SPHINX. At no point during this time was Brock Samson’s masculinity ever seriously threatened.

TACTICS: While possessing a license to kill and expertise in the deadly art of blood judo, Brock Samson disdains firearms. He is a capable marksman, but prefers to kill his enemies by almost any other means, mainly by using his hunting knife, his bare hands, or his’69 Dodge Charger. “Death by Samson” is a well-known and respectable end for most henchmen. Samson possesses no genetic or bionic upgrades (besides a steel chest plate he received while having a robot removed from his sternum), but possesses a nearly supernatural intuition for killing. He is capable of rigging booby traps for his enemies, orchestrating complex battle plans, and can sense whenever anyone has tampered with his car. Brock refuses to kill women or children, but has gone toe-to-toe with polar bears, crocodiles, mummies, robots, and chupacabras without hesitation.

STYLE: Brock Samson has an ever evolving style, though a love for Led Zeppelin remains throughout. Brock’s car, named Adrienne, holds a special place in his heart. Even after brutally dismantling her (after the car was secretly reprogrammed to eliminate him), Brock struggled through the betrayal and painstakingly rebuilt her. Samson can be found in all manner of clothing, usually dressing in 70’s garb unless wearing that 90’s hoodie from the episode “Perchance to Dean.” Samson’s hair comes and goes depending on the brutality of his last fight, but much like Samson himself, the hair always comes back. He even manages to look good wearing nothing but blood and a censor bar.

COULD DECLAN BRUCE KICK HIS ARSE?: No. That’s right. I worked hard creating a badass superspy character and I’m freely admitting that Brock Samson, even as an old man in the futuristic world Declan Bruce lives in… would kick his arse. Please don’t tell.

Spies Like We, vol. 5: Penfold Shush

No, not the rapper/producer. The REAL Danger Mouse, which is actually a cartoon. He’s the British rodent who’s way cooler than Mickey because he’s not a corporate shill, he speaks in a dignified accent, and he’s a freaking SPY. DM is a tenth the size of Declan Bruce, but can Ze State’s greatest spy outwit a secret agent so dangerous it’s in his very name?

BIOGRAPHY: More deadly than Basil of Baker Street and less gamey than Secret Squirrel, Danger Mouse is such a great secret agent that his codename has its own codename. While James Bond might save the human world time and time again, Danger Mouse diffuses the world’s rodent-sized threats, such as a criminal toad, a vampire duck (who got his own spinoff), and a wolf mad scientist. He takes his orders from a psycho chinchilla called Special K, and has his gadgets made by a German mole (who is a scientist mole, not an actual mole… and since he’s German, he’s a bit of a dick).

TACTICS: Danger Mouse’s foremost weapon against evildoers like Baron Greenback is his loyal assistant Penfold. If Sherlock Holmes’ sidekick was a cowardly, confused, clumsy hamster, he would be Penfold. He serves as a loyal friend to Danger Mouse despite often getting in the way or being completely oblivious to the nature of their mission. Besides Penfold, Danger Mouse is equipped with a flying car, a space pod, and mastery of the secret martial art of “kung moggy.” He is also equipped with an ability to constantly attract bombs no matter where he goes.

STYLE: In the grand tradition of anthropomorphic cartoon characters, Danger Mouse is mostly naked. He wears a white turtleneck with his logo on the chest as well as an eyepatch, one of the hallmarks of a great spy. He also practices yoga, which means he’s likely a fantastic lover. It is widely believed that Danger Mouse gets more rodent sex (both in quality and quantity) than Mickey Mouse, the Rescue Rangers, or Alvin and the Chipmunks put together. No one can resist the allure of a fuzzy cartoon mouse/spy, and this spy is an international television icon. What’s Declan Bruce have? A robotic suit, epic mustache, and a pocket in his pants specifically to house his genitalia.

COULD DECLAN BRUCE KICK HIS ARSE? Jesus, Danger Mouse is a bloody cartoon! He’s a tenth of his size, isn’t he? Of course Declan Bruce kicks his arse! Probably just stomps on him! A cartoon mouse defeating a fictional bizarro character… what sort of madness do you think this is?

Interview @ Dangerous Dan’s Book Blog

I did an interview for Dangerous Dan’s Book Blog, and I talk about writing, reading, and the possibility of Thunderpussy and A Town Called Suckhole existing in the same universe. I also sound fantastically intelligent.

Head over to Dangerous Dan’s to read it, and a huge thanks to Mr. Dan as well. Check his blog for a tons more reviews of awesome books.

Thunderpussy reviewed by Dangerous Dan.

Whenever one of my books gets reviewed, I feel like this.

Today I feel it double. As you can see it’s a wonderful and titanic emotion. The reason is today’s review of Thunderpussy at Dangerous Dan’s Book Blog. And as an added bonus, Dan reviewed A Town Called Suckhole as well. Huge thanks to him. And to you, read the shit out of my books for yourself. You’ll be pleased that you did so.

SPIES LIKE WE, vol. 3: Danger Zone

An irresponsible, alcoholic, cartoon misogynist who never learns a lesson and always comes out on top. Yes, this could describe James Bond. Yes, it could describe my own fictional spy, Declan Bruce. But today it describes Sterling Malory Archer, the animated TV spy who’s realer than the real thing. Archer combines all the skill of a highly functioning spy with all the depravity of a highly functioning alcoholic. He is Declan Bruce’s closest match in terms of sheer bombastic character, but that’s why Spies Like We exists. We simply must know who would win.

BIOGRAPHY: Sterling Archer was born into the spy business. His mother was an infamous Cold Warrior playing dozens of deadly games all across the globe. Unfortunately, she lost track of who Sterling’s father actually was, so she raised the boy on her own, ritually scarring his psyche with mind games and ping pong paddles. Archer’s youth was lonely, confined to boarding schools, his heroin-addled butler Woodhouse, and a Brazilian au pair who took his virginity at the age of twelve. But thanks to his mother’s strategic and dysfunctional parenting, Archer grew into a very capable spy. She gave him the codename “Duchess” after her dog, which she clearly loved more than him.

 

TACTICS: Archer possesses a unique skill that he calls “situational awareness.” In any given predicament, Archer can never be counted out. Neither the splash of his enemies’ blood on his face or death-defying escapes seem to bother Archer as much as everyday inconveniences do. For a highly trained spy, Archer’s methods are undercut by unbalanced emotions. The verbal abuse and dysfunction on display in his everyday relationships often cut deeper than shooting pirates in the face point-blank.

 

STYLE: Sterling Archer lives the high life. He has easy access to money, clothes, beautiful women, cool spy gadgets, and was even able to meet his idol, Burt Reynolds. But while traveling the world and indulging his every whim, Archer has become vain and self-centered. The shallowest of feelings are monumental to him, and only when these emotions affect him specifically. Archer is a finely tuned killing machine, but only if you can get him to care about a particular fight. When the situation has become this drastic, he will enter an epic and vengeful state known as RAMPAGE.

COULD 00X KICK HIS ARSE?: Archer is one of the most popular animated television characters in the world right now. I spent this entire article promoting his skills and savvy, and I’m here to tell you that my guy would kick his arse. Declan Magpie Bruce, Agent 00X, has no time for silly shenanigans or juvenile jokes. Where Archer is irresponsible, Bruce is dedicated. While Archer finds ways to evade defeat, Bruce kicks defeat in its face and snatches victory from its shattered jaws. One of Archer’s deadliest weapons is his biting wit, making jokes or insults towards friends and enemies alike. Declan Bruce is British, so his sense of humor and insults are second to none (British people have the best curse words IN THE WORLD). In short, Declan Bruce doesn’t have time for cocktails and nailing girls in the men’s room when he should be chasing after ninjas. Ze State gives Bruce mission after mission, and he is often eager to move on to the next one. There is no sense of laziness or nonchalance in his character, just pure righteous fury with singular purpose. That said, Archer’s HR Rep, Pam, would make a great fight of it.

SPIES LIKE WE, vol 2: The Moron-bot

What would happen if the hapless Inspector Clouseau was a cyborg? And not just any cyborg, but one equipped with propeller blades, roller skates, buzzsaws, spring legs, and a dozen extra arms? It sounds badass until you realize that this cyborg is the inept policeman Inspector Gadget. Once the buffoonish hero of a children’s cartoon, Gadget has since appeared in terrible live action movies played by Matthew Broderick and French Stewart. Today he suffers another indignity: standing toe to toe with Declan Magpie Bruce, star of Thunderpussy.

BIOGRAPHY: Inspector Gadget is perhaps the most diversely designed cyborg in existence, and is employed as a policeman for Metro City, stopping the machinations of the evil Dr. Claw. Numbering the various features in Gadget’s body would prove quite impossible. The drawback is that with so many telescoping arms coming out of his head, there is little room left for a functioning human brain. Thus Inspector Gadget experiences life in a state of preprogrammed doofusness, a robotic simpleton occasionally solving crimes. Declan Bruce lives in a similar state of mental impairment due to all his brain flushings… but they’ve never been able to flush him to the point of harmlessness.

 

TACTICS: Unlike James Bond, Inspector Gadget leans heavily on his weaponry. In fact, he is hard pressed to do anything in life without the use of his gadgets. But with all these technological marvels at his fingertips (literally), Gadget is perhaps the most ineffective cop in the world. His cases are routinely solved for him by his faithful sidekicks, Penny and Brain, and this codependency is his undoing. Declan Bruce would never depend on a little girl and dog (no matter how Scooby-like) for assistance. Bruce would have eschewed their help long ago so he could shove Dr. Claw’s gauntleted arm right up his own ass, ensuring the world’s safety on a more permanent basis. Gadget, meanwhile, is content to live his life in a never-ending cycle of blowing up his employer, never capturing his enemy, and bankrolling his niece’s high-tech lifestyle. He might drive a cool car, but his rational thinking skills are nonexistent.

 

STYLE: Inspector Gadget has little understanding of fashion, style, or taste. Beyond a few programmed catchphrases, he may not even possess his own personality. Gadget can always be found in his gray fedora and trench coat, which sometimes act as part of his arsenal. Declan Bruce has a much more refined and futuristic sense of style that never fails to attract the ladies (a tool Inspector Gadget does not seem to possess). If these two ever met, Bruce would likely rip away these tools and use them to disastrous effect.

 

COULD 00X KICK HIS ARSE? For the sake of argument, let’s say that the above statement is true. Declan Bruce still kicks Inspector Gadget’s robotic arse up and down the Metro City streets. Bruce was trained by robots far more deadly and insane than even post-apocalyptic Gadget could hope to be. With his kung fu grip, Bruce could break down Gadget into his millions of components and crush them all into ball bearings. Agent 00X would also be smart enough to disassemble Matthew Broderick and French Stewart, just in case they turned out to be Gadget copies programmed to be C-list actors in disguise.

SPIES LIKE WE, vol 1: Bond vs Bruce

Today marks the DVD release of Skyfall, and to celebrate this blog is kicking off a special series focusing on the spy genre. The benefits will be twofold:  we will explore and appreciate the various spies that have saved the world… and also see how they stack up against Declan Bruce, aka Agent 00X, star of Thunderpussy. I created Declan Bruce to be the perfect protagonist for the perfect spy story, but can he compete with the highest standard of the genre, James Bond?

BIOGRAPHY: Daniel Craig’s version of the character has become the perfect amalgam of all previous Bonds. He has the primal charisma of Sean Connery but steers clear of his casual arrogance. He is as romantic and debonair as Roger Moore, but not as aloof or aristocratic. It’s a fine balance to strike, one that Craig pulls off well and that Declan Bruce gently imitates. The similarities are striking, but while Craig’s Bond is the spy of modern times… Declan Bruce is the spy of the future.

TACTICS: Craig’s Bond loves to chase people. He will crash through walls and flip his car to pursue you. With a firearm (seen above) he will shoot to kill without hesitation. If his mission involves killing or obtaining your person, consider yourself quite fucked. Bond’s objectives are determined by MI6, the best in British intelligence. On the other hand, Declan Bruce’s loyalties do not lie with a single nation. Bruce is employed by Ze State, a cadre of insane movie star robots. Like Bond, Bruce does their bidding with little question, and will smash through any number of walls to achieve his ends. Unlike Bond, his missions tend to stop making sense after the first or second car crash. Nevertheless, Agent 00X plows forward, defying logic and propriety with violence and sex.

STYLE: Daniel Craig’s 007 is rarely given to gizmos and gadgetry. Instead he prefers to smash through his opponents with sheer force. Gadgets used in past Bond films are certainly cool. But they’re too convenient at times, deflecting attacks with too little effort on Bond’s part. Declan Bruce possesses a few gadgets, in the form of his opticoil and suitbot, which allow him to change his appearance and survey his surroundings. But for kicking ass, Bruce relies on his fists and feet. He’s even been known to bite the enemy in more grueling fights.

COULD 00X KICK HIS ARSE? Yes, and I’m afraid with little difficulty. Bond may be a cold and remorseless killer capable of withstanding great amounts of pain and torture, but Declan Bruce has been training to be a spy since he was five. Agent 00X is proficient in dozens of fighting styles and martial arts and is a ruthless combatant, often seeking out violence and mayhem simply as a means of expressing himself. Out of all the spies to be featured here, Bond is the most similar to Bruce, but even with every version of the character (even James Bond Jr.) teamed up against him, Declan Bruce would emerge victorious. He’s fought dinosaur ladies and a gigantic dwarf, after all.

This was a close comparison, but SPIES LIKE WE will continue into more unconventional territory, examining agents such as Danger Mouse and Inspector Gadget, who may prove to be even more similar to Declan Bruce than his human counterpart. Stay tuned.